do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
