Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Randomize