if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
