'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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