Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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