i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
