Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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