i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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