Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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