I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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