Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
