Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
