Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
