captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
