I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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