Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
