Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
