Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
