Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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