My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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