girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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