Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
my shit smells like andre
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
