theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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