Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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