i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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