We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
A bitchslap is in order.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
