I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
