like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
