I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
