I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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