I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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