lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
