If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
babies were throwing up all over the place
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
