I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I've blown a few things in my day
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize