I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
