I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
