I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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