even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
