how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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