Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
