Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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