I hate your face
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize