just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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