So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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