I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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