I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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