i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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