hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
