captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
