i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
