He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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