I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
