It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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