If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
