If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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