did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
