Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
